[Nod. Nod. Nod. He has trouble even verbalizing this; he just feels shame.
The rest - deciding he had to change himself, his feelings, feeling like a monster who can't control his body - that also fits. But it's hard to talk about.]
Well... I stayed in my room for more than thirteen years. It was lonely, and hard, but I was terrified of what I might do if I went outside. Scared of what everyone would think of me.
I locked myself in when I was eight—and I only came out when I was twenty one, for my coronation as Queen. But nothing had changed, really—I was only more afraid of the worst happening. And, of course, since my magic fed off my emotions... it did.
[she pauses, and there's a big inhale, then deep sigh. retelling it like this, without excluding details like she normally would, is taxing. it's something she's grown past, but. god, how it hurt.]
I was so happy to see my sister, Anna, after all those years... but she said... something that made me angry—and I accidentally lashed out with my ice—again. I felt as though nothing had changed—that all my years in solitary confinement to learn control had been for nothing. I was still just a terrible, uncontrollable person who would hurt everyone around them, especially those they loved the most.
So... I ran. I ran away from the very kingdom I had just sworn to protect as its Queen.
[He's definitely calming down from his uncontrollable anger, instead sinking into sadness. He's worried, right now, whether his family is even alive, so maybe it shouldn't matter, but it's hard for him to conceive of that and easier for him to think of his problems in this light.
He can picture that so easily - deciding to lock himself away so he can't hurt anyone again. In a way, that's what happened to him - after that incident he no longer laughed, or cried or got angry like a normal kid. His emotions just operated on an on or off switch.
But he didn't lock himself inside. In fact, he started exploring the outside world a little more than he had, and meeting all sorts of different people, and growing. He wonders why? What was different, between them? It feels like he should know, but he can't put a finger on it.]
After that happened, Ritsu had to go to the hospital. [Sniffling, wiping away his tears.] He was different after that. When I asked, he always said, don't worry, you didn't do anything that day. And he was always nice to me. But he started. . . always checking how I felt about things, and trying to fix every problem I had for me. He would never say anything that might upset me, and wouldn't tell me anything about what he was going through. He. . . he wanted to make sure I never became upset again. And he started trying to get psychic powers of his own. Ritsu. . . Ritsu feels like he has to be responsible for stopping me.
My little brother doesn't deserve to have to worry about something like that. So I wanted to change for him.
...You have a wonderful little brother, Shigeo. It's no wonder you wanted to change.
Anna... she did the same, you know. Even when I ran, she told everyone not to worry, that I was a perfectly fine person, and that she would go and speak with me. But I was still so scared of who I was, or what I was—that when she came, and tried to convince me to come home with her, and that everything was okay... [oof. this one really takes some doing.]
...I... I accidentally hurt her again. But this time, I hit her heart, not her head. When my magic hits someone in the heart, it starts to... to slowly freeze them. [she swallows, throat dry.] To death.
I didn't know at the time, but in my fear, I'd done exactly the thing I'd been afraid of doing all of those years. I'd tried so hard to keep everything under wraps, concealed, controlled... but by turning away from who I was, and trying to pretend it wasn't who I was, I... hurt the person most important to me even more.
[she exhales, a long unhappy sigh, sniffing back her own tears at the memory.]
I thought I was doing the right thing. But I was just running away from my problems, instead of embracing, and trying to solve them.
...In the end, she was. But it wasn't anything I did that saved her. I had foolishly let myself be taken over by my own fear and grief, assuming her to have passed away—and nearly died for my inaction.
Someone who was trying to usurp the throne from Anna and myself tried to kill me—but Anna stopped his blade from touching me just before she froze solid.
[but like hell she's leaving it on that note. before shigeo can ask again, she continues.]
...The only cure for a frozen heart is an act of true love, as it turns out. Anna, always a romantic, hoped it might be a kiss from her true love. But in the end... it was her sacrifice for me, her sister, that saved both of us.
[she exhales, and smiles.]
I'll forever be grateful for having such a wonderful, caring sister who would do so much for me, even through everything. When her incredible loving act thawed her body and heart, it thawed mine, as well.
I was missing love. Acceptance. Embracing who I am—the good and the bad—and not trying to hide it, anymore.
[...]
I don't know how much that applies to your own situation, Shigeo. But maybe... you can find your own way to embrace, and love who you are, in your own way. In your own time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[all the confusion and distress evaporates in a moment, replaced with understanding.]
With your powers.
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The rest - deciding he had to change himself, his feelings, feeling like a monster who can't control his body - that also fits. But it's hard to talk about.]
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You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
Would you like me to continue my story? It's not quite over yet—and you might be interested in how it turned out.
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I locked myself in when I was eight—and I only came out when I was twenty one, for my coronation as Queen. But nothing had changed, really—I was only more afraid of the worst happening. And, of course, since my magic fed off my emotions... it did.
[she pauses, and there's a big inhale, then deep sigh. retelling it like this, without excluding details like she normally would, is taxing. it's something she's grown past, but. god, how it hurt.]
I was so happy to see my sister, Anna, after all those years... but she said... something that made me angry—and I accidentally lashed out with my ice—again. I felt as though nothing had changed—that all my years in solitary confinement to learn control had been for nothing. I was still just a terrible, uncontrollable person who would hurt everyone around them, especially those they loved the most.
So... I ran. I ran away from the very kingdom I had just sworn to protect as its Queen.
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[He's definitely calming down from his uncontrollable anger, instead sinking into sadness. He's worried, right now, whether his family is even alive, so maybe it shouldn't matter, but it's hard for him to conceive of that and easier for him to think of his problems in this light.
He can picture that so easily - deciding to lock himself away so he can't hurt anyone again. In a way, that's what happened to him - after that incident he no longer laughed, or cried or got angry like a normal kid. His emotions just operated on an on or off switch.
But he didn't lock himself inside. In fact, he started exploring the outside world a little more than he had, and meeting all sorts of different people, and growing. He wonders why? What was different, between them? It feels like he should know, but he can't put a finger on it.]
After that happened, Ritsu had to go to the hospital. [Sniffling, wiping away his tears.] He was different after that. When I asked, he always said, don't worry, you didn't do anything that day. And he was always nice to me. But he started. . . always checking how I felt about things, and trying to fix every problem I had for me. He would never say anything that might upset me, and wouldn't tell me anything about what he was going through. He. . . he wanted to make sure I never became upset again. And he started trying to get psychic powers of his own. Ritsu. . . Ritsu feels like he has to be responsible for stopping me.
My little brother doesn't deserve to have to worry about something like that. So I wanted to change for him.
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Anna... she did the same, you know. Even when I ran, she told everyone not to worry, that I was a perfectly fine person, and that she would go and speak with me. But I was still so scared of who I was, or what I was—that when she came, and tried to convince me to come home with her, and that everything was okay...
[oof. this one really takes some doing.]
...I... I accidentally hurt her again. But this time, I hit her heart, not her head. When my magic hits someone in the heart, it starts to... to slowly freeze them. [she swallows, throat dry.] To death.
I didn't know at the time, but in my fear, I'd done exactly the thing I'd been afraid of doing all of those years. I'd tried so hard to keep everything under wraps, concealed, controlled... but by turning away from who I was, and trying to pretend it wasn't who I was, I... hurt the person most important to me even more.
[she exhales, a long unhappy sigh, sniffing back her own tears at the memory.]
I thought I was doing the right thing. But I was just running away from my problems, instead of embracing, and trying to solve them.
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But Anna! Was she okay?
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Someone who was trying to usurp the throne from Anna and myself tried to kill me—but Anna stopped his blade from touching me just before she froze solid.
[but like hell she's leaving it on that note. before shigeo can ask again, she continues.]
...The only cure for a frozen heart is an act of true love, as it turns out. Anna, always a romantic, hoped it might be a kiss from her true love. But in the end... it was her sacrifice for me, her sister, that saved both of us.
[she exhales, and smiles.]
I'll forever be grateful for having such a wonderful, caring sister who would do so much for me, even through everything. When her incredible loving act thawed her body and heart, it thawed mine, as well.
I was missing love. Acceptance. Embracing who I am—the good and the bad—and not trying to hide it, anymore.
[...]
I don't know how much that applies to your own situation, Shigeo. But maybe... you can find your own way to embrace, and love who you are, in your own way. In your own time.
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[He can't really accept that lesson right now, in this state, but he can hold onto the idea. Sometimes it takes him a while to absorb ideas.]
Right now, maybe I can use what I have to find my family. But beyond that. . .
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with a final squeeze, she slowly lets go of him. since it doesn't look like he's gonna dash or anything now.]
You don't have to do anything I did. It's all... relative. But I know you and Ritsu will find a way to really understand each other's feelings.
That's what love is, after all.