I know he can get kind of angry really fast... but he wasn't wrong to ask what he did or anything.
[He didn't have proof that she was telling the truth, after all.]
I'm gonna try to talk to him later. I told him I would. I... think he'll still be mad, but...
I just didn't think telling something like that completely was a good idea. I didn't want to hide it, or that I used it... but I... I think bringing up anything more than that would have just made things even worse when we were supposed to be talking about Raven and Laine-san.
I don't think he was wrong to ask, either. [He nods in agreement.] But it would have been wrong to spend time at trial on that, when we didn't have time. [So that's why he jumped in.]
But. . . [He's frowning.] I didn't really like hearing what Cervantes-san and Shiro-san said, either. People like that - kind people, who want to protect your feelings - sometimes even though they're kind, listening to people like that is the wrong thing to do.
I know why they tried to do what they did. And I... I like all of them. But... it... it hurt more, for them to do that, then... then what Vesda-san did.
I don't need my hand held for my own mistakes, you know? How else am I supposed to learn...?
[Ahhhh, don't be sad. But he gets what she means.]
. . . After Kano-san's execution, Cervantes-san and Vezda-san and Archer-san were all very angry with me. But they didn't say anything to me. I was able to talk to Vezda-san about it, but the other two. . . they have still never said anything at all.
[His affectation is still pretty blank, as usual, but he sounds a little hurt.]
Before that, I felt that I could talk to those two about a lot of things. I talked to them about how hard I'm trying to learn to make decisions for myself. But if they aren't even willing to scold me, if they aren't willing to tell me when I'm wrong, then doesn't that mean protecting my feelings is more important to them than what I want for myself?
I don't know if that's the case all the time, but... I don't like that they see people like you and me, and they see how young we are... and make choices for us.
[there's a ripple of anger, of empathy, as her fists tighten at her sides.]
...
I... would say something to Chiron-sensei, though. He's scolded me when I didn't always want to hear it, but...
I think, maybe, he's a little different. That... at least for me, he's willing to let me make my choices for myself even if he disagrees with them, or if he chides me. He... he listens, at least.
[She can't speak for the rest... and she herself is still hurt at Hansa as well so good job priest dad, two for two there.]
[Chiron. . . scared him at execution. He pointed a bow and arrow at Kano and threatened to kill him. He doesn't super want to talk to him! But just. Letting it slide.]
. . . I don't like that, either. They should have more faith in you.
[And in himself, but it's hard for him to express that feeling.]
I don't think it's right to act as though bad things haven't happened! Kano-san had feelings, too. Kano-san's feelings mattered, too! There's no point to being angry about something that already happened, but pretending it didn't is wrong, too!
[He kind of blurts that out, because it's a feeling that's been building up in his for a while. But.]
But I understand, too. Because if you explained to everyone, then some of those people will only say what they think will make it better.
They should have faith in you, too, you know. Shigeo-kun... has a lot of good things to say.
[She pauses, glancing at the rock in her hands.]
That's why you used it, right? It wasn't to make things bad or good or anything, it was just... because Shuuya-kun didn't deserve to suffer any more than he already had.
[haha :( at least mob'a choice was significantly more justified in logic even if... yknow... jeanne nearly got killed...]
I don't know how it could've been done any better. I... feel like Shuuya-kun might have just been angry, unless you told him before. Maybe if you knew Jeanne-san was the one, she could have been prepared, but...
[That's not how it works, and Mob had made a choice to help a friend. She can't fight him on that.]
Yoshizawa-san also planned to use hers. But she was planning to wait a little longer, to be safe. That would have been better.
But it's okay. Ruler-san. . . she was happy that I'd done it, even if she got hurt. So I don't regret it, either. Even if I don't like that she got hurt, it doesn't change that he didn't deserve to suffer.
Next time, I would just talk to someone about the decision I made.
You shouldn't have to regret it at all. And I'm... I'm glad you got to talk to her.
Even if everyone else might have been mad... I think Jeanne-san's feelings might have mattered most, outside Shuuya-kun. She really seemed like she wanted to be fair with him.
. . . You don't need to regret what happened, either. I know you were only trying to be kind to him. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. And if your mistakes only come from trying to be kind, you don't deserve to suffer for that.
I regret it by my choice, Shigeo-kun. Even if I didn't mean it to do what it did... Shuuya-kun still suffered, and he still grew to hate me for not trusting him more. The people that loved him are suffering without him.
There are people that blame me for him dying, that say his blood is on my hands. I can't change their minds for them with my words. All I can do is be wiser about it, and let my actions speak louder.
Sometimes people who are angry with themselves lash out at others. There were many people who voted for him. That was a mistake, too. Saying his blood is on your hands is. . . mm.
[Really fucking terrible?]
You don't need to change the minds of people like that. It's good to accept that you made a mistake and promise to try and do better, but that's it.
[She has had some interesting pcs since that trial... haha... :(]
...Shigeo-kun...
It's complicated. And I... I won't turn my eyes away from the fact that my mistake made a bad situation worse, and that it's part of my responsibility. The longer that it goes on... the harder it is to remember what he even said to me.
But... I know I want to see Shuuya-kun again. I want this place to be repaired, to save everyone... and for us to find him, and Raven, and all the rest, and make sure they can be with the people they love.
That's... that's more important to me, than convincing anyone else otherwise.
[After all, she can't remember those two, her precious friends. And she can't remember the promise she made to them, that was so important to her. No matter what he does, he won't be able to keep his word and remind her of them, not really. Nor will he be able to really know why they made that promise, or what they were trying to avoid - he should have asked her about it. He should ask people more about themselves, shouldn't he, if he wants to be able to help them?
But nothing says she can't have a new friend, and make a new promise, right? If he can do that - if he can try to take their place, in a small way, just for a little while, even if he can't possibly replace something so important entirely, even if the situation will be different - then maybe it will still count.]
Let's both promise that we're not going to regret the things we've done. No matter what, let's only keep working hard to save everyone in the future. I'll promise, too.
She looks touched for a moment, not sure what to say. But she'll wade over to him through the stream, splashing as she goes, just until she's close enough to lift her hand to him with her pinky out.]
I promise.
No matter what... I don't want us to leave this place with our hearts knowing nothing but guilt.
We're gonna get out of here together, Shigeo-kun. All of us.
[Taking her pinky with his, giving her a small smile.
He feels. . . a lot of guilt, about a lot of things, guilt he isn't ready to let go yet. But he also wouldn't lie in a pinky promise. So - if it's to help her, then he'll have to let go of some of that, too.]
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I know he can get kind of angry really fast... but he wasn't wrong to ask what he did or anything.
[He didn't have proof that she was telling the truth, after all.]
I'm gonna try to talk to him later. I told him I would. I... think he'll still be mad, but...
I just didn't think telling something like that completely was a good idea. I didn't want to hide it, or that I used it... but I... I think bringing up anything more than that would have just made things even worse when we were supposed to be talking about Raven and Laine-san.
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But. . . [He's frowning.] I didn't really like hearing what Cervantes-san and Shiro-san said, either. People like that - kind people, who want to protect your feelings - sometimes even though they're kind, listening to people like that is the wrong thing to do.
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...Yeah. Claude, too.
I know why they tried to do what they did. And I... I like all of them. But... it... it hurt more, for them to do that, then... then what Vesda-san did.
I don't need my hand held for my own mistakes, you know? How else am I supposed to learn...?
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. . . After Kano-san's execution, Cervantes-san and Vezda-san and Archer-san were all very angry with me. But they didn't say anything to me. I was able to talk to Vezda-san about it, but the other two. . . they have still never said anything at all.
[His affectation is still pretty blank, as usual, but he sounds a little hurt.]
Before that, I felt that I could talk to those two about a lot of things. I talked to them about how hard I'm trying to learn to make decisions for myself. But if they aren't even willing to scold me, if they aren't willing to tell me when I'm wrong, then doesn't that mean protecting my feelings is more important to them than what I want for myself?
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[there's a ripple of anger, of empathy, as her fists tighten at her sides.]
...
I... would say something to Chiron-sensei, though. He's scolded me when I didn't always want to hear it, but...
I think, maybe, he's a little different. That... at least for me, he's willing to let me make my choices for myself even if he disagrees with them, or if he chides me. He... he listens, at least.
[She can't speak for the rest... and she herself is still hurt at Hansa as well so good job priest dad, two for two there.]
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. . . I don't like that, either. They should have more faith in you.
[And in himself, but it's hard for him to express that feeling.]
I don't think it's right to act as though bad things haven't happened! Kano-san had feelings, too. Kano-san's feelings mattered, too! There's no point to being angry about something that already happened, but pretending it didn't is wrong, too!
[He kind of blurts that out, because it's a feeling that's been building up in his for a while. But.]
But I understand, too. Because if you explained to everyone, then some of those people will only say what they think will make it better.
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[She pauses, glancing at the rock in her hands.]
That's why you used it, right? It wasn't to make things bad or good or anything, it was just... because Shuuya-kun didn't deserve to suffer any more than he already had.
[haha :( at least mob'a choice was significantly more justified in logic even if... yknow... jeanne nearly got killed...]
I don't know how it could've been done any better. I... feel like Shuuya-kun might have just been angry, unless you told him before. Maybe if you knew Jeanne-san was the one, she could have been prepared, but...
[That's not how it works, and Mob had made a choice to help a friend. She can't fight him on that.]
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Yoshizawa-san also planned to use hers. But she was planning to wait a little longer, to be safe. That would have been better.
But it's okay. Ruler-san. . . she was happy that I'd done it, even if she got hurt. So I don't regret it, either. Even if I don't like that she got hurt, it doesn't change that he didn't deserve to suffer.
Next time, I would just talk to someone about the decision I made.
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Even if everyone else might have been mad... I think Jeanne-san's feelings might have mattered most, outside Shuuya-kun. She really seemed like she wanted to be fair with him.
[she likes ruler... ideal leader-sama]
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[Jeanne!!! His favorite.]
. . . You don't need to regret what happened, either. I know you were only trying to be kind to him. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. And if your mistakes only come from trying to be kind, you don't deserve to suffer for that.
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I regret it by my choice, Shigeo-kun. Even if I didn't mean it to do what it did... Shuuya-kun still suffered, and he still grew to hate me for not trusting him more. The people that loved him are suffering without him.
There are people that blame me for him dying, that say his blood is on my hands. I can't change their minds for them with my words. All I can do is be wiser about it, and let my actions speak louder.
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[Really fucking terrible?]
You don't need to change the minds of people like that. It's good to accept that you made a mistake and promise to try and do better, but that's it.
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...Shigeo-kun...
It's complicated. And I... I won't turn my eyes away from the fact that my mistake made a bad situation worse, and that it's part of my responsibility. The longer that it goes on... the harder it is to remember what he even said to me.
But... I know I want to see Shuuya-kun again. I want this place to be repaired, to save everyone... and for us to find him, and Raven, and all the rest, and make sure they can be with the people they love.
That's... that's more important to me, than convincing anyone else otherwise.
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[He still doesn't know if that will be possible, but - maybe. It seems like maybe something could change, if they try.]
In the meantime, could you do me a favor? You and I - we're friends, right?
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[After all, she can't remember those two, her precious friends. And she can't remember the promise she made to them, that was so important to her. No matter what he does, he won't be able to keep his word and remind her of them, not really. Nor will he be able to really know why they made that promise, or what they were trying to avoid - he should have asked her about it. He should ask people more about themselves, shouldn't he, if he wants to be able to help them?
But nothing says she can't have a new friend, and make a new promise, right? If he can do that - if he can try to take their place, in a small way, just for a little while, even if he can't possibly replace something so important entirely, even if the situation will be different - then maybe it will still count.]
Let's both promise that we're not going to regret the things we've done. No matter what, let's only keep working hard to save everyone in the future. I'll promise, too.
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She looks touched for a moment, not sure what to say. But she'll wade over to him through the stream, splashing as she goes, just until she's close enough to lift her hand to him with her pinky out.]
I promise.
No matter what... I don't want us to leave this place with our hearts knowing nothing but guilt.
We're gonna get out of here together, Shigeo-kun. All of us.
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He feels. . . a lot of guilt, about a lot of things, guilt he isn't ready to let go yet. But he also wouldn't lie in a pinky promise. So - if it's to help her, then he'll have to let go of some of that, too.]
Mm. We are.