...Yes, they are. But even terrible feelings are an important piece of you. Even if you wish they weren't.
You said it yourself—you need them. So... even if you don't like it, you... do appreciate them, on some level. And being able to let go sometimes, and lean into that... I know it can feel very freeing.
[She's - she's completely wrong! She doesn't have any idea what she's talking about. Let go? Let it go, let it go?]
No. I can't do that.
[What she's not understanding is that this state he's in is a compromise.]
Elsa-san, if I really did something like that, it - it would be really bad. These feelings now are the best I can do.
I can decide to hold on to my promise to keep looking for the one with the power to create dummies, or I can give up on finding that person and stop thinking about it. I don't want to stop thinking about it again, but the thing you said isn't a possibility.
He goes silent for a long time while he decides how to explain. He's vaguely alluded before, in conversation, to "accidents" happening. But it seems like Elsa really wants to understand.]
. . . There is something inside me that comes out sometimes. I don't have the ability to control it. If it comes out, it will hurt everyone and destroy everything in its way.
These emotions are dangerous, too, but you're right - I can still say, no, I don't want to hurt Elsa-san. But with that, I'm not able to.
But... you will. It might take some time—and you'll have to take the good with the bad—but you will. Because you're smart enough to know when you want to be able to use the power you currently have—and strong enough to stop yourself when you don't. You're already halfway there.
I know it sounds crazy, right now—but you will.
You will.
[it's a fervent message—as if she's trying to convey some sort of understanding, without scratching too deep. she might be barking up the wrong tree here, completely. maybe it wasn't the same at all.
[It sure is! It sure is. He does really want to believe her, that someday he'll be able to control all of it. He's been trying so hard for a long time.]
I want to. I promised that I wouldn't let it happen again. But it still does, sometimes.
So, just like you, I was born with my magic—my power. And when I was little, I loved it. My sister Anna and I used to play with them all day—and night—long, having snowball fights, making snow angels, inside and out.
But one night, when we snuck into our castle's great hall to play, Anna went too fast—and in my struggle to keep up with her, I lost control of my magic, and struck her in the head with it.
She was... hurt. Really hurt. And I was so scared. With the help of some friends, she was able to be healed—but in order for it not to happen again—in order to have better control—I locked myself away in my room, by myself, for thirteen years.
[she exhales, long and slow.]
I wore gloves on my hands. I never came out. I thought that... was the right thing to do.
[Oh no. Oh no. He goes completely silent at this because - he's never been able to explain any of it enough for someone to understand. Not once.
So many times, Ritsu tried to talk to him about it, or he started to try to talk to Ritsu, but they never were able to. One of them always said it was fine. He was never able to tell - well, who would he even talk to about something like this? He just tried, and tried, and tried to make sure something like that would never happen again
So it does someone manage to break through the intense cloud of 100% Tenacity single-mindedness.]
Your younger sister. You hurt her? You did something like that, Elsa-san?
Yes. It was just an accident, but I did hurt her with my magic. I froze a part of her—and I never wanted to risk it happening again.
I stayed in my room, trying to control my feelings—because it was my feelings that controlled how strong my powers expressed themselves. My motto was "conceal, don't feel, don't let them show". But as I grew, so did my powers—and as it got harder to control them, the more scared I became.
I felt like a monster who couldn't even control their own body. For the longest time, I wished I didn't have them—that it would be better if I didn't exist at all.
[He sensitive to being lied to right now, but also still fairly easy. If she says so, then. He'll believe her, but he's still a little distressed by it. Just more. . . sad, than anything else.]
[Nod. Nod. Nod. He has trouble even verbalizing this; he just feels shame.
The rest - deciding he had to change himself, his feelings, feeling like a monster who can't control his body - that also fits. But it's hard to talk about.]
Well... I stayed in my room for more than thirteen years. It was lonely, and hard, but I was terrified of what I might do if I went outside. Scared of what everyone would think of me.
I locked myself in when I was eight—and I only came out when I was twenty one, for my coronation as Queen. But nothing had changed, really—I was only more afraid of the worst happening. And, of course, since my magic fed off my emotions... it did.
[she pauses, and there's a big inhale, then deep sigh. retelling it like this, without excluding details like she normally would, is taxing. it's something she's grown past, but. god, how it hurt.]
I was so happy to see my sister, Anna, after all those years... but she said... something that made me angry—and I accidentally lashed out with my ice—again. I felt as though nothing had changed—that all my years in solitary confinement to learn control had been for nothing. I was still just a terrible, uncontrollable person who would hurt everyone around them, especially those they loved the most.
So... I ran. I ran away from the very kingdom I had just sworn to protect as its Queen.
[He's definitely calming down from his uncontrollable anger, instead sinking into sadness. He's worried, right now, whether his family is even alive, so maybe it shouldn't matter, but it's hard for him to conceive of that and easier for him to think of his problems in this light.
He can picture that so easily - deciding to lock himself away so he can't hurt anyone again. In a way, that's what happened to him - after that incident he no longer laughed, or cried or got angry like a normal kid. His emotions just operated on an on or off switch.
But he didn't lock himself inside. In fact, he started exploring the outside world a little more than he had, and meeting all sorts of different people, and growing. He wonders why? What was different, between them? It feels like he should know, but he can't put a finger on it.]
After that happened, Ritsu had to go to the hospital. [Sniffling, wiping away his tears.] He was different after that. When I asked, he always said, don't worry, you didn't do anything that day. And he was always nice to me. But he started. . . always checking how I felt about things, and trying to fix every problem I had for me. He would never say anything that might upset me, and wouldn't tell me anything about what he was going through. He. . . he wanted to make sure I never became upset again. And he started trying to get psychic powers of his own. Ritsu. . . Ritsu feels like he has to be responsible for stopping me.
My little brother doesn't deserve to have to worry about something like that. So I wanted to change for him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But I'm going to need them. When I get home, I will need these feelings to fight.
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where does she even start with this?]
...Yes, they are. But even terrible feelings are an important piece of you. Even if you wish they weren't.
You said it yourself—you need them. So... even if you don't like it, you... do appreciate them, on some level. And being able to let go sometimes, and lean into that... I know it can feel very freeing.
Like you're being a little more true to yourself.
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No. I can't do that.
[What she's not understanding is that this state he's in is a compromise.]
Elsa-san, if I really did something like that, it - it would be really bad. These feelings now are the best I can do.
I can decide to hold on to my promise to keep looking for the one with the power to create dummies, or I can give up on finding that person and stop thinking about it. I don't want to stop thinking about it again, but the thing you said isn't a possibility.
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Why isn't it possible?
[her voice is quiet, but not weak. questioning, but not pressing. just present.]
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He goes silent for a long time while he decides how to explain. He's vaguely alluded before, in conversation, to "accidents" happening. But it seems like Elsa really wants to understand.]
. . . There is something inside me that comes out sometimes. I don't have the ability to control it. If it comes out, it will hurt everyone and destroy everything in its way.
These emotions are dangerous, too, but you're right - I can still say, no, I don't want to hurt Elsa-san. But with that, I'm not able to.
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yikes. there's a parallel or two.]
...You don't have the ability to control it yet.
But... you will. It might take some time—and you'll have to take the good with the bad—but you will. Because you're smart enough to know when you want to be able to use the power you currently have—and strong enough to stop yourself when you don't. You're already halfway there.
I know it sounds crazy, right now—but you will.
You will.
[it's a fervent message—as if she's trying to convey some sort of understanding, without scratching too deep. she might be barking up the wrong tree here, completely. maybe it wasn't the same at all.
but god, if it was even anywhere close...]
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I want to. I promised that I wouldn't let it happen again. But it still does, sometimes.
[He sounds very sad about that.]
So for now, it isn't safe.
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almost instinctively at the sad keen in his voice, she holds shigeo a little closer.]
I want to tell you a story about my own magic, from when I was little. Is that okay?
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He needs to. . . he needs to. . .]
I need to go home right now.
[She can probably push him, though. I want him to hear the story.]
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Do you mind if I tell you it, anyway?
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[He snaps it a little, frustrated, but he's not frustrated at her, or her story. He's only frustrated because she's right.]
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[...]
So, just like you, I was born with my magic—my power. And when I was little, I loved it. My sister Anna and I used to play with them all day—and night—long, having snowball fights, making snow angels, inside and out.
But one night, when we snuck into our castle's great hall to play, Anna went too fast—and in my struggle to keep up with her, I lost control of my magic, and struck her in the head with it.
She was... hurt. Really hurt. And I was so scared. With the help of some friends, she was able to be healed—but in order for it not to happen again—in order to have better control—I locked myself away in my room, by myself, for thirteen years.
[she exhales, long and slow.]
I wore gloves on my hands. I never came out. I thought that... was the right thing to do.
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So many times, Ritsu tried to talk to him about it, or he started to try to talk to Ritsu, but they never were able to. One of them always said it was fine. He was never able to tell - well, who would he even talk to about something like this? He just tried, and tried, and tried to make sure something like that would never happen again
So it does someone manage to break through the intense cloud of 100% Tenacity single-mindedness.]
Your younger sister. You hurt her? You did something like that, Elsa-san?
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I stayed in my room, trying to control my feelings—because it was my feelings that controlled how strong my powers expressed themselves. My motto was "conceal, don't feel, don't let them show". But as I grew, so did my powers—and as it got harder to control them, the more scared I became.
I felt like a monster who couldn't even control their own body. For the longest time, I wished I didn't have them—that it would be better if I didn't exist at all.
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How. . . are you doing that?
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Doing... doing what?
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It's exactly the same!
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It's... I don't know about anything. It's my childhood. It's... what happened to me, Shigeo.
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[He sensitive to being lied to right now, but also still fairly easy. If she says so, then. He'll believe her, but he's still a little distressed by it. Just more. . . sad, than anything else.]
I also. . . I also hurt my little brother.
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[all the confusion and distress evaporates in a moment, replaced with understanding.]
With your powers.
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The rest - deciding he had to change himself, his feelings, feeling like a monster who can't control his body - that also fits. But it's hard to talk about.]
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You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
Would you like me to continue my story? It's not quite over yet—and you might be interested in how it turned out.
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I locked myself in when I was eight—and I only came out when I was twenty one, for my coronation as Queen. But nothing had changed, really—I was only more afraid of the worst happening. And, of course, since my magic fed off my emotions... it did.
[she pauses, and there's a big inhale, then deep sigh. retelling it like this, without excluding details like she normally would, is taxing. it's something she's grown past, but. god, how it hurt.]
I was so happy to see my sister, Anna, after all those years... but she said... something that made me angry—and I accidentally lashed out with my ice—again. I felt as though nothing had changed—that all my years in solitary confinement to learn control had been for nothing. I was still just a terrible, uncontrollable person who would hurt everyone around them, especially those they loved the most.
So... I ran. I ran away from the very kingdom I had just sworn to protect as its Queen.
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[He's definitely calming down from his uncontrollable anger, instead sinking into sadness. He's worried, right now, whether his family is even alive, so maybe it shouldn't matter, but it's hard for him to conceive of that and easier for him to think of his problems in this light.
He can picture that so easily - deciding to lock himself away so he can't hurt anyone again. In a way, that's what happened to him - after that incident he no longer laughed, or cried or got angry like a normal kid. His emotions just operated on an on or off switch.
But he didn't lock himself inside. In fact, he started exploring the outside world a little more than he had, and meeting all sorts of different people, and growing. He wonders why? What was different, between them? It feels like he should know, but he can't put a finger on it.]
After that happened, Ritsu had to go to the hospital. [Sniffling, wiping away his tears.] He was different after that. When I asked, he always said, don't worry, you didn't do anything that day. And he was always nice to me. But he started. . . always checking how I felt about things, and trying to fix every problem I had for me. He would never say anything that might upset me, and wouldn't tell me anything about what he was going through. He. . . he wanted to make sure I never became upset again. And he started trying to get psychic powers of his own. Ritsu. . . Ritsu feels like he has to be responsible for stopping me.
My little brother doesn't deserve to have to worry about something like that. So I wanted to change for him.
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