He lied to me about something important. Or. . . I'm not sure anymore if it even was a lie. But I can't be sure of anything he says, can I? Because he's always lied to me. . .
[Most of those other lies weren't so important, but this one was, and because of the other lies, he can't be sure.]
I never thought about it. He said a lot of things that didn't make sense. And . . . I always, whenever there was a spirit around, felt I should use my powers to protect him. So I understood, but. . . [He didn't really want to understand.]
. . . He told me my family was safe, after my house burned down. But I don't think he really could have known something like that.
[So a big one.]
That's not what changed, though. He said that before I came here, and I believed him for several weeks, and then suddenly I realized that I . . . didn't believe him anymore. [Hence. The meltdown last week.]
[Yeah. He considers the question for a second - it's a new one.]
I want . . .
[What, for him to have said they were most likely dead? The way he felt then, and still partially feels?
It's a little messier than that.]
I want him to have been telling the truth. I want to be able to believe him. I . . . when that happened, when he told me, I was so relieved. I never even considered he might be lying to me. Why would I believe him like that? He tells lies all the time.
When we lose our memories, do those people also disappear? Is everyone I ever loved gone, as long as I can't remember them?
[there's a pause—but not long enough for him to fill it.]
I don't know. Nobody does, right now. But if someone asked me that question, I'd want to answer it positively—that they're not, even if it's something I fear myself.
But if someone said that to me... I wouldn't agree. What proof do they have? [she looks at mob, expression placid.] I'm the same as you.
So... maybe it's something beyond a lie. Maybe it's just human nature. To want to provide something, anything, when you can.
[He nods. He looks a little miserable - almost teary, but he doesn't really cry easily. He's already come to that conclusion - that maybe this wasn't a "lie" per se but a kind thing to tell someone. Elsa helped talk him through that last week already.
But it still hurts, somehow. He still feels like he's lost something important.]
I . . . always liked talking to Reigen-san. I always felt like his advice helped me, and as long as I listened to it, it would all be okay.
But it doesn't feel that way anymore. The things he said - they don't mean anything. Psychic powers aren't knives! Having them is pretty unusual any way you look at it! And - the world can be full of cruel people and things that will hurt you if you let them. You can't just ignore those things and hope for the best!
I. . . I miss believing he was right about these things.
this, then, was mob's memory loss. a loss of, if you will... innocence. belief.]
Me, too.
I miss believing in that sort of thing whole-heartedly. That everything will be okay.
I suppose that's what I meant, when I said that both could be correct. That we can know the truth. Acknowledge, and work to adapt to it—but also hope for the best. Tell ourselves that everything will be okay—and work towards making it true. That it's not... that it doesn't have to just complacency in words.
[gently, she puts a hand on mob's shoulder.]
Finding the balance between those... I think, for myself, was a part of growing up.
[Not exactly, but sort of. He doesn't know exactly what he lost, just that it's gone.
He leans into her touch, feeling not very grown up at all. He wants to be a child who can confide all of his fears and feelings into a trusted adult. But that's not really possible anymore, is it?]
I. . . I don't know how to decide for myself what's right and what's wrong. I try to listen, but everyone says things that make sense, even when they're different, so. . .
It was easy, to just do what Master Reigen said. But if I decide for myself, and I choose the wrong thing - it's always scared me.
You know, that's exactly how I feel, too. Exactly like that.
Making the choice, choosing the wrong one—I know how it feels to be frozen with indecision. The next right thing—that is, what feels right to you—I think that's all we can expect of ourselves.
[...]
To be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, right now. I can't see that far ahead. But I know that I'll make the choice that I think is best—even if others don't agree.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she follows his gaze, staring up at the sky above.]
What sort of things?
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[ . . . ]
I don't know if I can talk about all of it.
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[she's still looking up.]
We can just sit here.
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I'd like that. [He just sits there quietly for a little while.] Can I tell you something a little strange?
I . . . lately I have been feeling very angry with Reigen-san. My master.
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she glances over at him, expression still the same.]
Oh?
And why's that?
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[Most of those other lies weren't so important, but this one was, and because of the other lies, he can't be sure.]
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Have you always known that?
That he lied to you all the time?
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[That's a complicated question.]
I never thought about it. He said a lot of things that didn't make sense. And . . . I always, whenever there was a spirit around, felt I should use my powers to protect him. So I understood, but. . . [He didn't really want to understand.]
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[she nods, understanding. that makes a lot of sense, really.]
What changed? What... lie started bothering you?
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[So a big one.]
That's not what changed, though. He said that before I came here, and I believed him for several weeks, and then suddenly I realized that I . . . didn't believe him anymore. [Hence. The meltdown last week.]
So. I don't know.
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of all the things to get mad at him for, that was the one that did it? a white lie, meant to comfort a child when he just didn't know the answer?
the proverbial straw, elsa supposes. the last one, breaking his ability to deal with the thousands of others. it's... fair. fair enough.]
I see.
Do you mind me asking what you would have preferred him to say?
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I want . . .
[What, for him to have said they were most likely dead? The way he felt then, and still partially feels?
It's a little messier than that.]
I want him to have been telling the truth. I want to be able to believe him. I . . . when that happened, when he told me, I was so relieved. I never even considered he might be lying to me. Why would I believe him like that? He tells lies all the time.
But I want it to be true again!
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[she looks back up at the sky.]
When we lose our memories, do those people also disappear? Is everyone I ever loved gone, as long as I can't remember them?
[there's a pause—but not long enough for him to fill it.]
I don't know. Nobody does, right now. But if someone asked me that question, I'd want to answer it positively—that they're not, even if it's something I fear myself.
But if someone said that to me... I wouldn't agree. What proof do they have? [she looks at mob, expression placid.] I'm the same as you.
So... maybe it's something beyond a lie. Maybe it's just human nature. To want to provide something, anything, when you can.
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But it still hurts, somehow. He still feels like he's lost something important.]
I . . . always liked talking to Reigen-san. I always felt like his advice helped me, and as long as I listened to it, it would all be okay.
But it doesn't feel that way anymore. The things he said - they don't mean anything. Psychic powers aren't knives! Having them is pretty unusual any way you look at it! And - the world can be full of cruel people and things that will hurt you if you let them. You can't just ignore those things and hope for the best!
I. . . I miss believing he was right about these things.
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this, then, was mob's memory loss. a loss of, if you will... innocence. belief.]
Me, too.
I miss believing in that sort of thing whole-heartedly. That everything will be okay.
I suppose that's what I meant, when I said that both could be correct. That we can know the truth. Acknowledge, and work to adapt to it—but also hope for the best. Tell ourselves that everything will be okay—and work towards making it true. That it's not... that it doesn't have to just complacency in words.
[gently, she puts a hand on mob's shoulder.]
Finding the balance between those... I think, for myself, was a part of growing up.
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He leans into her touch, feeling not very grown up at all. He wants to be a child who can confide all of his fears and feelings into a trusted adult. But that's not really possible anymore, is it?]
I. . . I don't know how to decide for myself what's right and what's wrong. I try to listen, but everyone says things that make sense, even when they're different, so. . .
It was easy, to just do what Master Reigen said. But if I decide for myself, and I choose the wrong thing - it's always scared me.
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Making the choice, choosing the wrong one—I know how it feels to be frozen with indecision. The next right thing—that is, what feels right to you—I think that's all we can expect of ourselves.
[...]
To be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, right now. I can't see that far ahead. But I know that I'll make the choice that I think is best—even if others don't agree.
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[He sounds really lost.]
I don't know anything. Everything seems wrong.
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[...]
What would you like to do? What feels right, right now, for you?
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and then mob betrayed her!!!!!!]