[Ugh! Well, he won't push her off or yell at her.]
. . . Everyone keeps saying to wait. But I've already waited too long. I can't keep feeling like this for weeks and weeks. But if I let go of these feelings, I won't be powerful enough.
...Yes, they are. But even terrible feelings are an important piece of you. Even if you wish they weren't.
You said it yourself—you need them. So... even if you don't like it, you... do appreciate them, on some level. And being able to let go sometimes, and lean into that... I know it can feel very freeing.
[She's - she's completely wrong! She doesn't have any idea what she's talking about. Let go? Let it go, let it go?]
No. I can't do that.
[What she's not understanding is that this state he's in is a compromise.]
Elsa-san, if I really did something like that, it - it would be really bad. These feelings now are the best I can do.
I can decide to hold on to my promise to keep looking for the one with the power to create dummies, or I can give up on finding that person and stop thinking about it. I don't want to stop thinking about it again, but the thing you said isn't a possibility.
He goes silent for a long time while he decides how to explain. He's vaguely alluded before, in conversation, to "accidents" happening. But it seems like Elsa really wants to understand.]
. . . There is something inside me that comes out sometimes. I don't have the ability to control it. If it comes out, it will hurt everyone and destroy everything in its way.
These emotions are dangerous, too, but you're right - I can still say, no, I don't want to hurt Elsa-san. But with that, I'm not able to.
But... you will. It might take some time—and you'll have to take the good with the bad—but you will. Because you're smart enough to know when you want to be able to use the power you currently have—and strong enough to stop yourself when you don't. You're already halfway there.
I know it sounds crazy, right now—but you will.
You will.
[it's a fervent message—as if she's trying to convey some sort of understanding, without scratching too deep. she might be barking up the wrong tree here, completely. maybe it wasn't the same at all.
[It sure is! It sure is. He does really want to believe her, that someday he'll be able to control all of it. He's been trying so hard for a long time.]
I want to. I promised that I wouldn't let it happen again. But it still does, sometimes.
So, just like you, I was born with my magic—my power. And when I was little, I loved it. My sister Anna and I used to play with them all day—and night—long, having snowball fights, making snow angels, inside and out.
But one night, when we snuck into our castle's great hall to play, Anna went too fast—and in my struggle to keep up with her, I lost control of my magic, and struck her in the head with it.
She was... hurt. Really hurt. And I was so scared. With the help of some friends, she was able to be healed—but in order for it not to happen again—in order to have better control—I locked myself away in my room, by myself, for thirteen years.
[she exhales, long and slow.]
I wore gloves on my hands. I never came out. I thought that... was the right thing to do.
[Oh no. Oh no. He goes completely silent at this because - he's never been able to explain any of it enough for someone to understand. Not once.
So many times, Ritsu tried to talk to him about it, or he started to try to talk to Ritsu, but they never were able to. One of them always said it was fine. He was never able to tell - well, who would he even talk to about something like this? He just tried, and tried, and tried to make sure something like that would never happen again
So it does someone manage to break through the intense cloud of 100% Tenacity single-mindedness.]
Your younger sister. You hurt her? You did something like that, Elsa-san?
Yes. It was just an accident, but I did hurt her with my magic. I froze a part of her—and I never wanted to risk it happening again.
I stayed in my room, trying to control my feelings—because it was my feelings that controlled how strong my powers expressed themselves. My motto was "conceal, don't feel, don't let them show". But as I grew, so did my powers—and as it got harder to control them, the more scared I became.
I felt like a monster who couldn't even control their own body. For the longest time, I wished I didn't have them—that it would be better if I didn't exist at all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she sighs, still hugging him tightly.]
If we find a way, we do it together. Not separately.
My sister is always reminding me of that. So... now I get to remind you.
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Then tell me how to leave, now! If you don't know, then I don't need your help.
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I'm trying... I'm trying to find a way. I'm really trying, Shigeo. I'm doing whatever I can.
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Elsa-san! I didn't mean to . . .
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[she really is resting her head fully on him now, though.]
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. . . Everyone keeps saying to wait. But I've already waited too long. I can't keep feeling like this for weeks and weeks. But if I let go of these feelings, I won't be powerful enough.
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[she sits up a little better, repositioning her legs.]
I don't want to wait, either. I want to fight, too—but we don't know what our enemy looks like, yet.
I just know it's not each other.
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But I'm going to need them. When I get home, I will need these feelings to fight.
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where does she even start with this?]
...Yes, they are. But even terrible feelings are an important piece of you. Even if you wish they weren't.
You said it yourself—you need them. So... even if you don't like it, you... do appreciate them, on some level. And being able to let go sometimes, and lean into that... I know it can feel very freeing.
Like you're being a little more true to yourself.
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No. I can't do that.
[What she's not understanding is that this state he's in is a compromise.]
Elsa-san, if I really did something like that, it - it would be really bad. These feelings now are the best I can do.
I can decide to hold on to my promise to keep looking for the one with the power to create dummies, or I can give up on finding that person and stop thinking about it. I don't want to stop thinking about it again, but the thing you said isn't a possibility.
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Why isn't it possible?
[her voice is quiet, but not weak. questioning, but not pressing. just present.]
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He goes silent for a long time while he decides how to explain. He's vaguely alluded before, in conversation, to "accidents" happening. But it seems like Elsa really wants to understand.]
. . . There is something inside me that comes out sometimes. I don't have the ability to control it. If it comes out, it will hurt everyone and destroy everything in its way.
These emotions are dangerous, too, but you're right - I can still say, no, I don't want to hurt Elsa-san. But with that, I'm not able to.
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yikes. there's a parallel or two.]
...You don't have the ability to control it yet.
But... you will. It might take some time—and you'll have to take the good with the bad—but you will. Because you're smart enough to know when you want to be able to use the power you currently have—and strong enough to stop yourself when you don't. You're already halfway there.
I know it sounds crazy, right now—but you will.
You will.
[it's a fervent message—as if she's trying to convey some sort of understanding, without scratching too deep. she might be barking up the wrong tree here, completely. maybe it wasn't the same at all.
but god, if it was even anywhere close...]
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I want to. I promised that I wouldn't let it happen again. But it still does, sometimes.
[He sounds very sad about that.]
So for now, it isn't safe.
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almost instinctively at the sad keen in his voice, she holds shigeo a little closer.]
I want to tell you a story about my own magic, from when I was little. Is that okay?
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He needs to. . . he needs to. . .]
I need to go home right now.
[She can probably push him, though. I want him to hear the story.]
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Do you mind if I tell you it, anyway?
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[He snaps it a little, frustrated, but he's not frustrated at her, or her story. He's only frustrated because she's right.]
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[...]
So, just like you, I was born with my magic—my power. And when I was little, I loved it. My sister Anna and I used to play with them all day—and night—long, having snowball fights, making snow angels, inside and out.
But one night, when we snuck into our castle's great hall to play, Anna went too fast—and in my struggle to keep up with her, I lost control of my magic, and struck her in the head with it.
She was... hurt. Really hurt. And I was so scared. With the help of some friends, she was able to be healed—but in order for it not to happen again—in order to have better control—I locked myself away in my room, by myself, for thirteen years.
[she exhales, long and slow.]
I wore gloves on my hands. I never came out. I thought that... was the right thing to do.
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So many times, Ritsu tried to talk to him about it, or he started to try to talk to Ritsu, but they never were able to. One of them always said it was fine. He was never able to tell - well, who would he even talk to about something like this? He just tried, and tried, and tried to make sure something like that would never happen again
So it does someone manage to break through the intense cloud of 100% Tenacity single-mindedness.]
Your younger sister. You hurt her? You did something like that, Elsa-san?
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I stayed in my room, trying to control my feelings—because it was my feelings that controlled how strong my powers expressed themselves. My motto was "conceal, don't feel, don't let them show". But as I grew, so did my powers—and as it got harder to control them, the more scared I became.
I felt like a monster who couldn't even control their own body. For the longest time, I wished I didn't have them—that it would be better if I didn't exist at all.
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How. . . are you doing that?
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Doing... doing what?
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It's exactly the same!
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It's... I don't know about anything. It's my childhood. It's... what happened to me, Shigeo.
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